This afternoon as I was in my car waiting for my daughter to come out from school, a song came on the radio. I was upset and frustrated, as it had been relayed that someone had been gossiping about me, saying cruel things. I hadn't really been caring to much about the song, until some of the lyrics grabbed my attention!
"Words they can cut so deep. Why do I care so much what people think?
I wonder who I'd be, if I didn't have insecurities.
I don't know what to think. I'm losing all control of reality.
I'm fighting voices in my head, voices in my head telling me that I'm not enough.
I'm not pretty, n' I'm broken." - "Voices" by Jana Kramer
As someone who struggles with aspects of mental health: depression, anxiety and certain thought processes, this really, like the lyrics said "cut so deep". I grew up in a home where there were unsaid expectations to be someone I could never be. This sadly somehow followed me into adulthood. I tended to be drawn to relationships where I was expected to be someone I could never be; the relationship(s) would end and I'd be left to feeling empty, unwanted and unloved. I went on in life hitting rewind and reliving this insane idea that I could become whatever they wanted me to be. So I kept searching out unhealthy relationships with unhealthy expectations.
Albert Einstein couldn't have worded it better: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
In my twenties, I was in and out of relationships, trying to find the perfect guy who could magically fix all my imperfections and insecurities. When, if to be honest, trying to find someone else to fix me was the worst thing I could have done. Oh! To talk to my twenty-some self and give her some advice! Then, out of nowhere, when I was 27, I met this super guy. He was unlike any dude I'd ever met! He was perfect! He accepted my weird nerdy personality. He gleamed with pride to have me in his presence. I could wake up "scare hair" in the morning, and he would still find me beautiful! He never turned down a date to spend time with me! I could be having the worst day of depression, weepy with mascara running down my cheek day and he would stay right beside me - it's like he knew exactly what I was feeling. He was committed to our relationship and he never lied to me (like many of my past relationships did). Best thing of all, he never pushed the intimacy (sex) in ways that the other guys would. He was so patient with me. And I found out I loved him in a way I never loved any other; he felt very much the same towards me.
Isn't it strange how "most" of us can be so hurt and sometimes feel resentment by what people say about us? I don't know about you, but hearing such hurtful gossip come from someone that you thought was a close friend or family member can sometimes hurt the most! I might be too trusting of people, or just plain gullible, but I like to think most people have a good heart and would choose positivity over negativity. I do wonder sometimes who I would be if I didn't have insecurities. I'm insecure about so many things; actually I think a lot of women are. We are faced with magazines at the check-out lanes featuring beautiful, young models on the covers; most, if not all, with perfect skin tone with no blemish in sight! Man alive! What photoshop can do these days! I'm first to stand in line for this type of computer surgery - something to make me look thinner, full lush hair, smooth silky skin! I'm all for it! But then again, who am I becoming, and for who? Definitely not God. It's why God urges us to "be in the world, not of it." (John 17:14)
The truth is, the man I met in my late 20's was Jesus. And one thing about Jesus is that he loves us no matter what our physical features look like! And he will never leave us (Matt 28:20). I'm taken to the scripture featured on my photo here. I love reading this whole book, as its like a love song from Jesus to us, his bride. It just goes to show how precious we are in His sight - and not our own!
"How beautiful you are, my darling, how beautiful! Your eyes are like doves." - Song of Songs 1:15
I still struggle - sometimes on a daily basis. I am guilty of comparing myself to others. I'm not thin enough. I'm not beautiful enough. I'm not worthy of love. I need to have better skin. ALL LIES! Lies that us women tend to believe! Hey - when you're trying to measure yourself up to a photoshopped super model, there's a multitude of difficulties you're going to face! That's why I'm so glad to have met Jesus and allowed him a place in my heart.
Me being transparent with you: I'm fighting with my mind more than anything. If we listen to our minds, thus shutting God out, we will fight an unending battle. Because those lies we hear inside us come from the enemy - and he ONLY is here to kill, steal and destroy! Don't let Satan steal the Joy which has been put there by God. My family may think me a bit strange, but I have post-in notes on the mirror in my bathroom that tells me things like I'm beautiful, I'm loved, I'm worthy and I'm enough. All these things I know, because I met Jesus! He was and still remains the BEST boyfriend a girl could ask for!
So, if you're struggling with the "voices in your head", get ready and tell Satan to go back to hell where he belongs!! He has no power over you, over your thoughts or over your life! You're a strong, loved, beautiful daughter of the most High King!!
The song by Jana Kramer has a grand ending too! You should give it a listen - especially if you also have "voices in your head" telling you lies!
"I'm done with the voices in my head, voices in my head. I know that I'm enough. I'm pretty. I'm not broken. I am worthy of love.
I am strong...
I am beautiful..."
0 Comments